I Was the Mistake My Mother Never Forgave

My mother, Vanessa, suffered from severe postpartum depression right after giving birth to me and it lasted for eighteen long years.

Ever since I was a child, Mom would scream so loudly that it could shake the entire house whenever Dad held me.

She, who felt as though the world had abandoned her, would threaten suicide whenever my grandparents came near me.

I couldn’t even handle the complaints because they would only lead to accusations rather than comfort.

“If it weren’t for giving birth to you, how could your mom be depressed? You’re the reason she’s like this!”

It wasn’t until the end of my university military training that I finally received the Top Freshman Award.

I came home happy after a month away, excited to share my good news with my family. But instead, all I got were Mom’s cruel words and a storm of punches and kicks.

“Why did you tell your dad all that? Were you trying to take him from me?”

“I knew it! I knew you were a bitch! Why did you even come back? Go to hell! Go to hell!”

My dear mother, this time, I did as you wished. Let’s not see each other again in the next life.

——

I held the certificate of recognition for being an outstanding model soldier and handed it to Dad like it was a treasure.

His face was full of pride. “Our Hazel has really done well.”

In this family, Dad was the only one who ever gave me a little warmth, of course, only when Mom wasn’t around.

He reached out and softly ran his hand over my head. His eyes were filled with pride and joy, but also a bit of guilt he could never hide.

Just then, Mom’s loud voice reached us. “Hazel! What are you doing?”

Before Dad and I could react, Mom had already rushed over and slapped me hard across the face.

“You came back to seduce your dad while I was playing cards, didn’t you?”

“Hazel! Didn’t you go to college? Why did you come back? Did you do this on purpose?”

I quickly stood up and tried to shove the certificate into Mom’s hands. “No, Mom, my military training is over. I won a prize.”

“Look, I’m an outstanding model soldier among this year’s freshmen. I just wanted to tell you that…”

Before I could finish speaking, Mom had already swung the bag in her hand and hit me on the head.

The certificate slipped from Mom’s hand and fell to the ground; no one even noticed, just like me for the past eighteen years.

“Stop making excuses! You’re my child, don’t I know all your little tricks?”

“Are you trying to make me miserable? You won’t be happy until you drive me to death, will you?”

“Get out of here! Get out of my house right now!”

Dad quickly stood up and helped my angry Mom back to her room. “Alright, alright, don’t be upset. The child doesn’t understand. Don’t mind her.”

My face felt hot, as if the warmth from Mom’s hand was still there.

The certificate of recognition that Mom had just stepped on now lay quietly on the floor.

I stared at it closely, tears running down my face. My heart felt like it was being tightly squeezed by a big hand, the pain so strong I could hardly breathe.

I lived like this for eighteen years, yet each time, I still felt sad.

When I was three, I had just started kindergarten. On my first day, Dad came to pick me up.

Just when I got home that day, my mother was in the kitchen, pressing a knife against her neck.

“Who gave you permission to pick her up?! She’s more important to you than me, isn’t she?”

“Then I should just die and give you and your daughter the space you want!”

That day, Mom scared everyone, even me, a three-year-old child at that time.

From that day on, every kid in kindergarten had someone waiting to pick them up. I was the only one who always went to and from school alone, no matter if it rained or shone.

Wiping my tears, I picked up the certificate of recognition and went back to my room.

At six in the evening, I walked into the dining room for our usual dinner. The moment they saw me, the cheerful mood at the table turned cold.

Mom shot me a cold look and my grandparents didn’t even glance my way. Dad gave me an apologetic look but quickly turned his eyes away.

I forced a small smile.

Dad, who was only a son-in-law, had married into Mom’s family and I understood how hard that was for him.

When I reached the table, just as I expected, there was no bowl or utensils for me. So I served myself and sat down alone, at the farthest spot from everyone.

For years, no one ever called me to dinner, afraid it would upset Mom. I could only go to the dining room alone at dinner time and eat under everyone’s cold eyes.

In high school, I often stayed late for extra classes and evening study sessions.

In our family, keeping leftovers wasn’t a habit; every bit of food that remained was thrown away. No one, not even Dad, ever saved anything for me.

During my three years of high school, I almost never had dinner.

Skipping so many meals, along with the constant tension at the table, had already ruined my stomach.

Still, I kept showing up at dinner time every day, because if I hadn’t, I would’ve starved long ago.

Everyone at the table acted like I didn’t exist. I didn’t even dare lift my spoon and fork, scared that Mom would get angry again.

Just as Mom got up to pour herself some water, Dad quietly placed a few vegetables into my bowl.

When I looked up, he gave me a quick wink, as if telling me to eat more.

But before I could move, the bowl in front of me disappeared.

A moment later, the rice and vegetable leaves, mixed with oil, were dumped all over my head. A single green leaf hung from my forehead. Imagine how foolish I must have looked.

Mom’s screams and shouts exploded in my ears. “Kevin! Why did you give food to that bitch? Are you trying to kill me?”

“You’ve been fooled by her! Do you want me dead to make you happy?”

“If you don’t want me to have a good life, then neither will you!”

In an instant, Mom flipped the dining table, sending plates and bowls crashing to the floor. The broken pieces of porcelain and food hurt my eyes.

Dad rushed to stop her. “Oh, honey, what’s wrong with you?”

“Okay, okay, I was wrong, I was wrong. Don’t be mad. I won’t do it again.”

Dad’s surrender finally eased her anger a little. However, that anger didn’t fade; it just turned toward me.

Mom turned and looked at me, slapping me hard across the face. “You little bitch! You come home and start flirting with your dad already? Trying to take him from me?”

“I should’ve never given birth to you! You’re nothing but bad luck! I can’t stand the sight of you!”

Mom looked straight at me and it felt like she wanted to tear me apart. It was the same all over again.

Whenever Dad showed me even the smallest bit of care, Mom would lash out with anger and accusations.

During my first final exams in first grade, I scored 100 on both tests.

Excited, I ran home with both papers, holding mine with a perfect high score above my head.

That day, Dad was so happy he even made my favorite cola chicken wings for dinner.

At dinner that night, the cola chicken wings didn’t even reach my mouth before they landed on my head. It was the same scene as tonight.

“Hazel! You’re only seven and you’re already this disgusting!”

“You’re trying to seduce your dad into cooking for you and you don’t even see how full of yourself you are!”

Since then, I never drank cola or ate chicken wings again.

While I was thinking about it, Grandpa Vale looked at me with disgust. “What are you standing there for? Go to your room! Can’t you see your mom is already angry because of you?”

“You really have no heart. You just came home and already made your mom this upset.”

I stayed quiet, pulled the vegetable leaves hanging from my hair and walked toward my room.

From the corner of my eye, I saw Grandma Anna leaning on Grandpa’s shoulder, covering her face. “If I’d known, I wouldn’t have let our dear daughter have a child. How could she give birth to such a monster?”

“Look what you’ve done to our precious daughter.”

Tears fell from my eyes. I didn’t. I should have let my mother give birth to me.

When I got to bed, I couldn’t stay standing anymore. My legs gave out and I fell to the floor.

A quiet sob slipped out. I didn’t know how long it took.

In the darkness, I heard Dad’s quiet, careful voice and Mom’s loud, angry scream. “Kevin! What do you mean? Your daughter is more important to you now, isn’t she?”

Dad spoke in a low voice, but the quiet night carried every word to my ears. “What are you saying? You’re my wife. Of course, you’re the most important. But Hazel is still young; she’s our daughter. Don’t be so….”

Before he could finish, Mom’s scream interrupted him. “Ahhh! Was it that brat who seduced you?”

“Okay, okay, I get it! I get it!”

“I’ll go ask her right now, what exactly does it take for her to let me go!”

Moments later, my door burst open and the room lights came on all at once.

Before I could get used to the brightness, slaps and punches rained down on me. Mom’s screams echoed through the room.

“Why are you doing this to me, Hazel? What did I ever do to you?”

“I should have strangled you when you were born! No! I shouldn’t have given birth to you!”

“I gave you life! Now go die!”

The pain from her slap hadn’t even gone away before her punches and kicks came again.

I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I stood up and pushed her back. “Enough!”

“How have you wronged me? From childhood to adulthood, what have you ever done to deserve my respect?”

“If you never wanted me, why did you give birth to me? Did I ask to be born?”

“Why do I have to keep suffering like this?”

I ignored the tears falling down my face and let out all the pain I had held in for years. My grandparents rushed into the room after hearing the noise and heard my words.

Grandma quickly held Mom up and looked at me like I was something dirty. “Hazel! Do you have any conscience at all?”

“If it weren’t for you, your mother wouldn’t have gotten depression after giving birth! Eighteen years, eighteen whole years!”

“Do you know what your mother has been through all these years? How could you say such things to her?”

Those same words again. Because of me, because she suffered postpartum depression.

So ever since I was a child, everyone in my family tried not to upset Mom. They always told me to give in to her no matter what.

As her daughter, I wanted to and would give Mom her happiness. I tried hard enough, so many times, so why do they still treat me like this?

Why? My questioning made Mom stop. But Grandma’s words only made Mom even angrier.

Mom broke free from Dad and Grandma, ran toward me and pushed me hard.

I was caught off guard and fell to the floor. Behind me was my bag, the one with the box cutter I always carried.

The sharp blade cut into my lower back. I couldn’t move.

Still not satisfied, Mom kicked me again and again. Each kick drove the blade deeper.

I wanted to beg Mom to stop, but the heavy feeling of being unable to breathe kept me from saying a word.

Maybe seeing my face grow paler stopped me from saying a word.

Dad suddenly shouted, “Enough! Enough!”

Mom stopped and looked at him in shock.

“You’re protecting her? You’re really protecting her? Fine! Then I’ll die! I’ll make space for you two!”

The next moment, before anyone could move, Mom ran out of my room and rushed toward the balcony railing at the end of the hallway.

A loud bang rang out and the world fell silent as everyone froze in shock.

Grandma was the first to move, crying out in pain, “My precious daughter!”

She was the first to run out of the room, with Dad and Grandpa right behind her.

No one even looked at me, still lying on the floor. I just listened to the screams and frantic voices from downstairs.

“Wife, wife!”

“Daughter, daughter!”

“Don’t be afraid, don’t be scared. Dad will take you to the hospital.”

Soon, the noise faded and silence filled the house again.

I quietly watched the pool of blood beneath me spread wider, feeling the strength in my body slowly fade away.

Mom, this time, you got what you wanted. I would never disturb your life again.

In the best hospital ward in Brookdale, Mom’s ankle was wrapped in thick bandages.

After I stopped breathing, I realized my soul couldn’t leave Mom and Dad’s side. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t go anywhere. In the end, I gave up. It turned out that even in death, I wasn’t free.

Dad was peeling an apple for Mom. “You’re already an adult, yet you still act like a child.”

“Good thing our house only has two floors. You just sprained your ankle.”

“If something really happened to you, how would I live?”

Mom pouted, looking like a spoiled little girl. “Hmm, you’re the one who protected her.”

Grandma leaned against Grandpa, still holding her chest in fear. “You’re my only precious daughter. If anything had really happened to you, I’d die.”

“You even hurt yourself because of that useless girl.”

“You’re my life. Don’t ever do like that again.”

When I saw Grandma’s troubled face, I felt only jealousy.

Back when I was young, other kids had grandparents who picked them up, who always loved their grandchildren.

When I was little, I felt sad and ran to Grandma for comfort, but her eyes showed no warmth.

“Your Mom is my daughter. Because you’re her child, you’re my granddaughter.”

“But in my heart, my daughter will always come first. You made her suffer and I’ll never forgive you, even if you’re her child.”

At that moment, besides feeling sad, I also felt very jealous.

So, my mom’s mother really loved her, but why did my mom not love me?

Mom’s soft voice came again. “I don’t want to go back to that house. Just seeing her makes me upset. Let’s go back to our small villa outside the city.”

“Hurry up and ask someone to send her back to school!”

Dad gave Mom the peeled apple. “Alright, whatever you want.”

With the doctor’s approval, Dad drove Mom, Grandpa and Grandma home.

However, it wasn’t the home I was going back to. When I saw the new villa, I felt confused and lost.

In the big house, there were large wedding photos of my parents and family pictures with Grandpa and Grandma, but there were none for me.

Mom sat comfortably on the sofa. “It feels so good here. This is my real home.”

Grandma gently picked up a blanket and placed it over Mom’s legs.

“Every time you don’t want to see her, you say Kevin is on a business trip and stayed here. You’re still the same after all these years, such a child.”

Grandma’s words were gentle, but they hit me hard.

Ever since I was little, Dad has often gone on business trips. Whenever he was away, Grandpa and Grandma took Mom back to the countryside.

They didn’t come home until Dad’s trip was over, sometimes two weeks, sometimes a month, or even longer.

Those business trips were really just excuses for all of them to stay away from me.

Dad sat silently, staring at his phone.

On the screen was our chat.

[Hazel, Mom and Dad can’t come home tonight. Remember to lock the door.]

[Hazel, are you asleep?]

I didn’t reply. That had never happened before.

Any message from Dad, no matter what it was, no matter what I was doing, I always replied immediately.

Maybe Dad didn’t even realize it, but his hand was shaking as he held the phone. He stood up, walked to the balcony and called his secretary.

“Go to my house right now and check.”

“Is my daughter at home?”

As soon as the call ended, Mom appeared behind him.

“Who are you calling?”

“Was it that brat, Hazel?”

Dad quickly put his phone away and forced a smile. “It’s the secretary.”

“Didn’t you ask me to send her back to school soon? I told my secretary to handle it tomorrow. Don’t overthink it.

After hearing Dad’s explanation, Mom looked much happier. “That’s better.”

Dad let out a relieved sigh and helped Mom to the sofa to sit. After a moment, his phone rang.

He answered, only to hear the secretary’s trembling voice.

“Mr. Vargas, Miss Hazel… is dead.”